StormyRen.com

Wouldn’t it be nice if we could somehow actually attain perfection in some small area of our lives? Just when you think you’ve got your bathtub scrubbed, your desk organized, your head together on a subject, or completely pwned your competitor, as you realize how far you’ve come, you simultaneously recognize how much farther you’ve yet to go. Knowledge seems to beget a wiser you (which should satisfy) but it also lends a greater understanding of what is unknown by you (the opposite of fulfilling). It seems sometimes to be like a chasing of the wind – and oh yeah, I just referenced this Sunday’s first lesson – Ecclesiastes 1 & 2.

No matter how many compliments I accept on my general awesomeness, that does not make me faultless. Even in the area I thought I really had covered: Love. I love everybody, EVERY SINGLE BODY. In abstract, in person, in relationship, in thought, in service, in words, in every way I can show it, I love you and I love God (the two are inextricably related). Except sometimes I’m a bit of a snob. And on occasion, a gossip. In those circumstances, when the ugly in me wants to hate on someone, I slip into a dehumanizing mode. Its easier to vilify whomever or to present them as so one-dimensional that clearly they are not even human (and thus, I don’t have to exert any extra effort into loving them). Now, please realize that this is most frequently with people I don’t really know…Which somehow actually makes this seem worse. Weird. Ugh, I am so flawed.

Anyways, I had this great revelation Wednesday (the 21st) when I was driving. Driving and shower/bathe-ing, by the way, are like THE BEST times to think. I love thinking. I also like being clean. But back to the revelation. So I was puzzling over my snobbery, especially regarding higher education and things like that, and trying to reconcile it with my whole liberal/hippie-like outlook on life, which is a more “Love All” approach. I was like, these two don’t work together! And I am really trying to curb the snobbery. But that’s when I realized, “oh, that’s how my mind gets around it – I dehumanize the people I don’t like, or don’t feel of accord with, or want to be a snob about – and that way I can still be all, but I love everyone.” Please do realize though that as soon as I have the realization that I’m getting snobby about someone I go and actively curb it, reminding myself to love them. And that hate is just love missed its mark, etc. etc. [10 bonus points to whoever knows where that is from, because I can't remember]. But still, it’s a tendency. A sinful tendency, I think. Although I don’t know, and then we get all into the definition of sin and that’s not one I’m ready to tackle today because it’s still kinda stewing on the back burner in my brain.

I keep Psalm 130 just to the left of my monitor for awful work days, the ones when I feel that the work I do is meaningless (most days) and unending (hell days). I love to say,

1 Out of the depths I cry to you, O LORD;

2 O Lord, hear my voice.
Let your ears be attentive
to my cry for mercy.

3 If you, O LORD, kept a record of sins,
O Lord, who could stand?

4 But with you there is forgiveness;
therefore you are feared.

5 I wait for the LORD, my soul waits,
and in his word I put my hope.

6 My soul waits for the Lord
more than watchmen wait for the morning,
more than watchmen wait for the morning.

7 O Israel, put your hope in the LORD,
for with the LORD is unfailing love
and with him is full redemption.

8 He himself will redeem Israel
from all their sins.

It’s nice and short, very succinct in venting my frustration, futility, and fear to the Lord, but also acknowledges that I am on a path guided by Him, that I am waiting with hope and trust to do the work I feel called to, and it also acknowledges the complete sovereignty, awesomeness, and love that is God. I’m sure it’ll be memorized soon. It really does help me get through the work assignments I detest. Praise God! – and that is where I’m coming from today.

“Praise God” is exactly what I was just thinking, and I thought, “Oh, I should have a prayer-like verse of thanksgiving for my days when all I want to do is praise Him.” So google helps me out in searching for sites with thanksgiving-related bible verses and voila, I’m awash with praise for God. Awesome! I’m looking for a short verse, like the one above, which I can print and put next to 130 on my cubical wall, just to sort of add that ‘if, then’ factor – as in, ‘I cried out and then He lifted me’!

I am so happy when I think about God. I love Him SO MUCH. He’s just truly amazing, giving, powerful, loving, kind, good! It is very nearly unfathomable for me to conceive of someone who knows about Jesus and God and the Holy Spirit and not be filled with extreme joy at the very thought of all the Lord has done, does, and will do for us. Sometimes I think to believe in the Christian god is the most narcissistic, selfish thing but at the same time, it is what drives me to serve and love others, so…anyways I’m getting off-topic.

Psalms! Looking at the psalms, I decided I wanted one that was actively praising God, not just saying “yeah, yeah, we’re gonna praise Him so much…” and I’ve found a couple of good ones here: among others, 92 is pretty praise-y but since I don’t struggle against enemies or wickedness per se at work (just general misery and a feeling that while I sit here fixing spreadsheets there are preventable deaths and social injustices occurring that I am not working to halt), I don’t really need to thank the Lord for his vengence. Nor did I want one that was a group voice, like “oh yeah, we love what you’ve done for us, Lord” or “hey all y’all, you best praise the Lord for what He’s done” So I found a few in this brief search; but I’m going to print Psalm 30 because it seems like almost a direct response to 130 (and yes, I get that it’s more about a literal rescue from illness, but in my world despair is an illness, a blight on my being, and that is how I pray this):

1 I will exalt you, O LORD,
for you lifted me out of the depths
and did not let my enemies gloat over me.

2 O LORD my God, I called to you for help
and you healed me.

3 O LORD, you brought me up from the grave [b] ;
you spared me from going down into the pit.

4 Sing to the LORD, you saints of his;
praise his holy name.

5 For his anger lasts only a moment,
but his favor lasts a lifetime;
weeping may remain for a night,
but rejoicing comes in the morning.

6 When I felt secure, I said,
“I will never be shaken.”

7 O LORD, when you favored me,
you made my mountain [c] stand firm;
but when you hid your face,
I was dismayed.

8 To you, O LORD, I called;
to the Lord I cried for mercy:

9 “What gain is there in my destruction, [d]
in my going down into the pit?
Will the dust praise you?
Will it proclaim your faithfulness?
10 Hear, O LORD, and be merciful to me;
O LORD, be my help.”

11 You turned my wailing into dancing;
you removed my sackcloth and clothed me with joy,
12 that my heart may sing to you and not be silent.
O LORD my God, I will give you thanks forever.

Footnotes:
b.Psalm 30:3 Hebrew Sheol
c.Psalm 30:7 Or hill country
d.Psalm 30:9 Or there if I am silenced

I mean, yeah, it’s a little longer than 130′s eight verses, but four more ain’t no big thang. And did you read it? Or did you just skim it or skip down to this paragraph? ‘Cause you should really read it. Seriously. I’ll wait.

JUBILATION! Exactly what I want to pray when everything’s going aright at work – Praise be! Look at what the Lord has done! Thank you for hearing my prayer! You, Lord, are too cool for school! You rescued me! – plus, BONUS: two famous verses in this psalm. I am just learning constantly and love it, Lord! Psalm 30:5b “weeping may remain for a night, but rejoicing comes in the morning.” True, that. and verse 11′s “You turned my wailing into dancing; you removed my sackcloth and clothed me with joy” – amen to that! Ok, I am beginning to see why some people really dig Psalms. I mean, this is all very new to me. I’ve always glossed over Psalms because I was all like, who wants to read old tuneless hymn texts from ancient temple days? How useful is that, really? But at the same time I was all, except everyone seems to be really into them – I must not be getting something here. Oh, ignorance! How blinding you are! So yeah, I’ve discovered the draw of Psalms, and I’m thinking we’re starting on a lifelong relationship here, me and that book. Cool.

O LORD my God, I will give you thanks forever.

Wow. What a wonderful evening I had last night.

I tell you what, I have been on the go for the last 11 (consecutive) days. I don’t know if its that time of the year or if that’s life. I’m still getting used to the whole ‘adult’ thing, so I don’t have a frame of reference except the rest of my life that proceeded these days, and judging from that it’s more of a Lauren thing. People just make my life complete. I’d 10,000x rather be out and about, running myself ragged seeing people, doing things with them or for them than be at home. I get nearly suicidal when I haven’t seen people for a while or have only the weight of errands and daily responsibilities on me. When that happens I don’t leave the house and lay on the couch watching tv and movies – very sad. So instead, I wear myself to the bone taking on new responsibilities and visiting people.

I feel borderline out of my head crazy right now with all the new things I’m doing simultaneously – a new group for Lutheran Young Adults, audit committee at church, new member and tweeter for the synod’s Hunger Mission Force, plus everything I ever promised my family and friends, PLUS bills and various other real-person obligations. Stop the world, I want to get off!

No, no, I’m just kidding. But sometimes it does feel like I’m holding on to a very thick rope just bigger than the circumference of my hands’ grip and when I look at it, I can see it’s fraying in an alarming way at varying rates – like a cartoon – SNAP SNAP BOIIIING! So that was the last 11 days – run run run – go go go – spend spend – do do! And then last night was just wonderful. I went home after work (something I haven’t done in a while). Made myself dinner (when was the last time I did that?). Watched part of a movie I know, Cash Cab, and Mike Rowe while I ate – all very relaxing. Then I went over to my mom’s for an hour and a half, catching her up on some new bits in my life and hearing about her’s.

Then I went home singing loud with the sunroof open and the windows down during a beautiful twilight – clouds all over and in different patterns with fascinating streaks of color from the dying day, and a nice big old moon. Then I got home and got to share time with my roommate – yay! Felt super classy while I fixed myself a scotch and water nightcap on the rocks, and then jammed with her on our instruments (guitar and ukulele). I’m so glad she has a tuner. I can’t find mine and I am still timid at tuning the uke. So yeah, wonderful evening yesterday. Even better, I feel ready to attack the dusty, paper-filled den I call my bedroom this evening, so how could anything ever go wrong, ever?

I am so humiliated! embarrassed! distressed! It’s in moments like these that I realize how much I paid attention in elementary school, and took the lessons taught me to heart. Today I fought back tears, at least thrice, at the dentist.

“The dentist?!?” I hear you ask – “why at the dentist?” asks those without dental phobias, “oh yes, of course, the dentist!” those with them say; but truly I like going to the dentist. I like seeing doctors, and I like being in control of my health while having multiple people puzzling over it and helping me out. I suppose I enjoy being made much of, but really it’s because I often don’t know what’s wrong with me and it’s only now, in my twenties we (me and my doctors) are starting to figure me out.

But anyways, the dentist. and elementary school. What was so traumatic I was using breathing techniques to keep me from crying? It was…a cavity. Yes, and only a technical cavity, since it had just extended into a specific layer of my tooth and so it was necessary to fill it.

Oh the anguish and agony of my soul! I have NEVER had a cavity. NEVER had a filling. NEVER had ANY kind of work done in my mouth, other than middle and high school orthodontics. NEVER have I experienced novocaine. How I bitterly regretted my ridiculous habit formed in college of not brushing my teeth at night when I am ‘too tired.’ “Too tired now?” I raged against myself. Well, yes. My jaw is tired, my lips are dried, and I can’t feel HALF OF MY FACE. But there was little rage in the room with the hygenist, me, and my dentist. No, there was only silent regret and shame. In elementary school they as well as told us if we got cavities it was our fault. How horrific that I have so fallen!

I have heard that pride comes before a fall. Knowing that dental weakness is a strong trait in my genetic line, I still flaunted it with said ‘too tired’ game. Prideful was I in thoughts centering around others’ dentist visits and accompanying cavities and work. “Tsk tsk,” I’d tease them, pretending to have better hygenic habits than they (despite neglecting to visit the dentist throughout college) and secretly enjoying the superiority of my own chompers. “Ha Ha! I have NEVER had work done.” As I said: pride…fall. Lauren, you have a filling in your head now. Your body has been invaded by permanent, foreign, man-made objects. What disgrace. And consequently, tears.

I am now more determined than ever to maintain my now salvaged dental health. Floss! Brush! Listerine! Flouride! Retainer! Yes I do still wear my retainer, you got a problem with that?

Of course I’m didn’t really cry, but I sure was close.

of Water

I knew the 40 days of Lent would be difficult. I really love carbonated drinks, and so I do drink a lot of soda day to day. I also will drink coffee and alcohol socially.

In fact, I love soda so much I have a glass bottle collection from all the international carbonated beverages I pick up at international food stores and on travels through the country.

I knew that choosing to only drink water would be mildly distasteful to me: I also absolutely hate the chlorinated taste of public water. And I drink bottled water as little as possible due to the waste of resources/energy involved in its production – besides the fact that it’s often tap water from elsewhere – I might as well drink my own! (Needless to say I am often dehydrated by the mere finickiness I exhibit in beverage choice.)

Plus, I had decided to only drink the water available to me – so no bottled water from the store and no club soda. I found out that my workplace has its own well water, and that I like drinking it out of a metal bottle. I also found out that I don’t taste the chlorine as much in the public water in my house if I’m really thirsty and gulp it down without smelling it. Otherwise, I have to draw some water and then let it sit to let the chlorine dissipate.

Physical side effects? Although in the past I had fooled myself into thinking I was not truly addicted to soda and tea, I did have a few headaches in the first week or so.

Really tempted? Yes, but despite the taunting of the half-finished juice container, the chilling beers and champagne each time I opened my refrigerator, and the faint call of my name from the Starbucks counter each time I was in Target, I drank only water.

The tally of beverages given up did become harder to maintain because I had to answer certain questions, like how do you tally a tea offered to you by your friend, or a mug of coffee offered by your brother at his house? I set monetary values on those declined beverages and was very meticulous for the first three to four weeks. But as time went by, it was less difficult to choose water over soda/coffee/tea/alcohol and so the number of drinks I was passing over for water simultaneously declined. So if I was not so good at tallying my drinks denied, a rough extrapolation from the first three-four weeks gave me a good idea of what to give.

Consequences? I was an inner whiner – two weeks in, I was wondering what the purpose was of this daily decision to only drink water, in fact, I even began to question the whole idea of Lenten devotion. But being stubborn, I stuck with it. I knew it had to be better for my body than all the sugar and caffeine I’d been loading it with. And although I felt like a wimp, being cheated by the fast food industry when ordering and paying for tap water instead of a refillable soda at a burger/chicken/sandwich joint, I also did not act like a fool on March 17, but was the DD.

Plus, the idea of fasting was one I really struggled with during those 40 days. I just didn’t get it! Why deny myself?, I asked. Not in the selfish, I-deserve-better way, but more like, what is the purpose, other than a really unique way to contribute to an important cause? I puzzled over it with every drink I denied. I grew frustrated and began to feel alone, in the wilderness. I began to feel like I wasn’t supported by anyone in particular – while simultaneously telling myself ‘that is ridiculous, you’re surrounded by a huge number of supportive people – at church, by your family, your friends at work, and your roommate!’ So eventually I let it go, deciding to cling to God, His love, and the knowledge that He is constant (solid facts). This continued until Easter, when the church celebrated the greatest gift God ever gave us. With the end of my fast, I let go of the puzzle and other things began to take over my life – a car in the shop, stomach ulcers, social events, and general housework. Until today, when everything clicked into place with this morning’s old testament reading from Isaiah!

Isaiah 58:5-8 -

5 Is this the kind of fast I have chosen,
only a day for a man to humble himself?
Is it only for bowing one’s head like a reed
and for lying on sackcloth and ashes?
Is that what you call a fast,
a day acceptable to the LORD ?

6 “Is not this the kind of fasting I have chosen:
to loose the chains of injustice
and untie the cords of the yoke,
to set the oppressed free
and break every yoke?

7 Is it not to share your food with the hungry
and to provide the poor wanderer with shelter—
when you see the naked, to clothe him,
and not to turn away from your own flesh and blood?

8 Then your light will break forth like the dawn,
and your healing will quickly appear;
then your righteousness [a] will go before you,
and the glory of the LORD will be your rear guard.

Whoa! God’s actually kinda anti-fasting in a fasting-for-appearances,-or-mere-self-denial-type way! How can you praise God through causing yourself misery? Yes, I do understand that there are times and seasons for self-denial and repentance, and you can meet God there. But that wasn’t the purpose of this effort. That wasn’t where I was trying to go – I was trying to raise money and testing myself a little, and I was feeling all-around purposeless.

Aha! Through this verse it is easy for me to see that the result was the purpose for the fast, that aiding others is a true fast, and favorable to God. And that’s only part of what I learned today! But I’ll continue with that in the next post, because I want to finish debriefing on the 40 days of water…

I would also like to say that these 40 days have also been a real accomplishment for me – by giving me a reason to talk about my faith, but more importantly, the desperate need that can be so easily met by giving people. Though typically outgoing, I am not a confident person and am nearly afraid to be non-PC when talking about my own faith; for me, my passion regarding world thirst, hunger, and social justice is all bound up in my faith and this gave me the opportunity to educate others on world needs and more fully, socially, embrace my own beliefs.

The visual facts that were created by popesaintvictor, were amazing. The combination of their interesting design and compelling factual nature were put to use by incorporating them into my slideshow desktop (Windows 7). Coworkers would ask, “what’s that?” when a part of it showed on my screen beneath my work, and I would cycle through the facts to date, giving me an opening to talk about what’s really going on in the world, outside our town, state, or country, and what a pull unimproved water conditions in lesser developed countries has on my heart – with solid facts and honest pictures.

That was my secret mission – something that seemed at first a complex mass of goals, but was really only three: 1) educate others about humanity’s needs, 2) to not deny my faith but admit that this was my Lenten devotion, and 3) to be very careful that my declaration to renounce all beverages other than water and the accompanying tallying and donating, did not develop into a boasting. Always cautiously gauging the other’s reaction, my effort was focused on primarily sharing a fact or more about the water needs around the world, and then if time, friendship, or interest allowed, connecting it to my Lenten devotion and from there noting that mere sacrifice of a luxury, while certainly something, might be better replaced by taking up something affirming– hence the tallying and donation.

All in all, a good experiment, a happy donation, and a wonderful gorging on soda and coffee during the usual familial Easter celebrations!