Problem is, I’m not sure if that’s where I’m headed. I mean, yes, the 3 years here at MES is pretty solid, but…I don’t know. I keep thinking about seminary. I keep thinking about how everyone is so inspiring and meeting their goals and making their dreams come true. Sarah G., Sarah D., Katelin, Morgan. and they’re not afraid to take the next step. Step out on faith, Danielle said. and I do.

However, I’m feeling out the path. I feel like Indiana Jones when he scatters dirt on an invisible stone bridge across a chasm. Although I don’t feel like I’m about to plunge off the side, I’m very cautious in being certain that this is the path I keep praying about. The one that is laid out for me. I know that I’ll know when the next door is opened because I’ve walked through it each time I feel it opening. Even if it seems backwards. I want to be like Samuel and pray constantly, “Here I am.” I am so thankful that I have walked through it each time, and I apologize if I am too hasty in looking for the next one, but Lord – people are dying! Not that he doesn’t know – why else would He ask us to feed His lambs? So yes, there is a sense of urgency, and maybe a little wild searching. I won’t stop searching. Today I’m going to an open house for prospective graduate students, an open house that only has those institutions with the degree programs I’m interested in. (www.apsia.org)

Which brings me to my next five-year plan. Keep working at MES and get a graduate degree. Once I am Lauren, M.A. (or whatever), I will apply for the Fulbright and GO! Sounds good, right? Haha, we’ll see what the next revision is in like, 2 weeks, probably.

One thing I wish I could do is just drop everything and run to NYC and volunteer for charity:water . Or maybe head south for blood:water mission. And that’s another thing. Charity:water’s website is so visually striking that I begin to think about my talents – don’t waste them, grow them, right? – specifically that of photography. So tonight I’m also looking into a Professional Photography Certificate Program that would give me a lot of professional training and improve my photography skillz. I won’t throw away photography like I kinda did my writing. (A seed-like talent I have allowed to fall into a rocky patch; and one which takes me down paths of rebuke when I try to grow it.)

So yeah, that’s the latest.

Partially I think my enthusiasm results from this week’s unending rain, surprisingly enough. It’s like, in for a penny, in for a pound. I’m ready for snow! And the winter wonderland! It’s already necessary to warm up the car and put the heater on full ‘red’ and number 2, so it’s not too far from the depths of winter for me. I haven’t yet pulled out the winter coat and I’m still resisting scarves, but I’m emotionally ready to handle winter’s cold. I think. Typically I struggle to stay warm all day and spent most of the night keeping an inch away from shivering. But I now have a space heater! And I’m so ready for carols, and decorations steeped in family history and tradition. (My abs fav parts of the season.) I’m even looking into gifts.

Despite the desperate temporal distance between myself and a home of my own, I feel quite excited to celebrate at the ol’ family home all season long. Maybe this is accounted for through the fact that my brother, sister and niece live 3 mi away, for the first time ever! I’m pretty happy.

The other reason why I think I’m so happy is that for the first season in many years I am not 1) stressing about SATs or getting into college, 2) stressing about being in college and multiple exams, or 3) sinking deeper in debt and struggling to get a job. I finally have a job and despite a multitude of worries about where my life is heading (in terms of answering my call, staying in touch with the many people that matter so much to me, and deciding/investigating where my money is going to) I feel secure and peaceful, able to enjoy each day and sustained to continue seeking how to work out those things. And strangely (or not) I feel good.

This is not to say that I have days (pretty much every other) where I am stressed beyond belief at the thought of the unknown – where is my career going? when will I travel extensively again (Europe and the fav states rank high here)? what grad school should I go to? when will I go to grad school? will I have enough money to go to grad school? will it ever be financially feasible to leave my mom’s house? would she be financially ok if I did? when will all my material possessions be organized so that I feel free to get rid of them/finish my many projects? when can I get to see my college friends J.Rose, Vanessa, Morgan, Elisabeth, Sarah etc again? where is my money going? can I go to France next year? should I get a technical photography certificate at CDIA? how can I help my ankle heal so that I won’t injure it again? when can I resume cardio workouts and lose the ridiculous lbs I’ve gained since senior year in college? when will I fit in my clothes again? when do I have time to study film noir for fun? when do I have time to make my brother, Ebeth, Emily, and my coworkers their promised mixes? and more.

Haha, I’ll probably add to this post when I think of all my other constant questions. But those are the ‘simple’ ones on my mind at the moment.

And yes, despite these, there is a creeping, swelling sensation of excitement for the holiday season. YAY!