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Wouldn’t it be nice if we could somehow actually attain perfection in some small area of our lives? Just when you think you’ve got your bathtub scrubbed, your desk organized, your head together on a subject, or completely pwned your competitor, as you realize how far you’ve come, you simultaneously recognize how much farther you’ve yet to go. Knowledge seems to beget a wiser you (which should satisfy) but it also lends a greater understanding of what is unknown by you (the opposite of fulfilling). It seems sometimes to be like a chasing of the wind – and oh yeah, I just referenced this Sunday’s first lesson – Ecclesiastes 1 & 2.

No matter how many compliments I accept on my general awesomeness, that does not make me faultless. Even in the area I thought I really had covered: Love. I love everybody, EVERY SINGLE BODY. In abstract, in person, in relationship, in thought, in service, in words, in every way I can show it, I love you and I love God (the two are inextricably related). Except sometimes I’m a bit of a snob. And on occasion, a gossip. In those circumstances, when the ugly in me wants to hate on someone, I slip into a dehumanizing mode. Its easier to vilify whomever or to present them as so one-dimensional that clearly they are not even human (and thus, I don’t have to exert any extra effort into loving them). Now, please realize that this is most frequently with people I don’t really know…Which somehow actually makes this seem worse. Weird. Ugh, I am so flawed.

Anyways, I had this great revelation Wednesday (the 21st) when I was driving. Driving and shower/bathe-ing, by the way, are like THE BEST times to think. I love thinking. I also like being clean. But back to the revelation. So I was puzzling over my snobbery, especially regarding higher education and things like that, and trying to reconcile it with my whole liberal/hippie-like outlook on life, which is a more “Love All” approach. I was like, these two don’t work together! And I am really trying to curb the snobbery. But that’s when I realized, “oh, that’s how my mind gets around it – I dehumanize the people I don’t like, or don’t feel of accord with, or want to be a snob about – and that way I can still be all, but I love everyone.” Please do realize though that as soon as I have the realization that I’m getting snobby about someone I go and actively curb it, reminding myself to love them. And that hate is just love missed its mark, etc. etc. [10 bonus points to whoever knows where that is from, because I can't remember]. But still, it’s a tendency. A sinful tendency, I think. Although I don’t know, and then we get all into the definition of sin and that’s not one I’m ready to tackle today because it’s still kinda stewing on the back burner in my brain.

I keep Psalm 130 just to the left of my monitor for awful work days, the ones when I feel that the work I do is meaningless (most days) and unending (hell days). I love to say,

1 Out of the depths I cry to you, O LORD;

2 O Lord, hear my voice.
Let your ears be attentive
to my cry for mercy.

3 If you, O LORD, kept a record of sins,
O Lord, who could stand?

4 But with you there is forgiveness;
therefore you are feared.

5 I wait for the LORD, my soul waits,
and in his word I put my hope.

6 My soul waits for the Lord
more than watchmen wait for the morning,
more than watchmen wait for the morning.

7 O Israel, put your hope in the LORD,
for with the LORD is unfailing love
and with him is full redemption.

8 He himself will redeem Israel
from all their sins.

It’s nice and short, very succinct in venting my frustration, futility, and fear to the Lord, but also acknowledges that I am on a path guided by Him, that I am waiting with hope and trust to do the work I feel called to, and it also acknowledges the complete sovereignty, awesomeness, and love that is God. I’m sure it’ll be memorized soon. It really does help me get through the work assignments I detest. Praise God! – and that is where I’m coming from today.

“Praise God” is exactly what I was just thinking, and I thought, “Oh, I should have a prayer-like verse of thanksgiving for my days when all I want to do is praise Him.” So google helps me out in searching for sites with thanksgiving-related bible verses and voila, I’m awash with praise for God. Awesome! I’m looking for a short verse, like the one above, which I can print and put next to 130 on my cubical wall, just to sort of add that ‘if, then’ factor – as in, ‘I cried out and then He lifted me’!

I am so happy when I think about God. I love Him SO MUCH. He’s just truly amazing, giving, powerful, loving, kind, good! It is very nearly unfathomable for me to conceive of someone who knows about Jesus and God and the Holy Spirit and not be filled with extreme joy at the very thought of all the Lord has done, does, and will do for us. Sometimes I think to believe in the Christian god is the most narcissistic, selfish thing but at the same time, it is what drives me to serve and love others, so…anyways I’m getting off-topic.

Psalms! Looking at the psalms, I decided I wanted one that was actively praising God, not just saying “yeah, yeah, we’re gonna praise Him so much…” and I’ve found a couple of good ones here: among others, 92 is pretty praise-y but since I don’t struggle against enemies or wickedness per se at work (just general misery and a feeling that while I sit here fixing spreadsheets there are preventable deaths and social injustices occurring that I am not working to halt), I don’t really need to thank the Lord for his vengence. Nor did I want one that was a group voice, like “oh yeah, we love what you’ve done for us, Lord” or “hey all y’all, you best praise the Lord for what He’s done” So I found a few in this brief search; but I’m going to print Psalm 30 because it seems like almost a direct response to 130 (and yes, I get that it’s more about a literal rescue from illness, but in my world despair is an illness, a blight on my being, and that is how I pray this):

1 I will exalt you, O LORD,
for you lifted me out of the depths
and did not let my enemies gloat over me.

2 O LORD my God, I called to you for help
and you healed me.

3 O LORD, you brought me up from the grave [b] ;
you spared me from going down into the pit.

4 Sing to the LORD, you saints of his;
praise his holy name.

5 For his anger lasts only a moment,
but his favor lasts a lifetime;
weeping may remain for a night,
but rejoicing comes in the morning.

6 When I felt secure, I said,
“I will never be shaken.”

7 O LORD, when you favored me,
you made my mountain [c] stand firm;
but when you hid your face,
I was dismayed.

8 To you, O LORD, I called;
to the Lord I cried for mercy:

9 “What gain is there in my destruction, [d]
in my going down into the pit?
Will the dust praise you?
Will it proclaim your faithfulness?
10 Hear, O LORD, and be merciful to me;
O LORD, be my help.”

11 You turned my wailing into dancing;
you removed my sackcloth and clothed me with joy,
12 that my heart may sing to you and not be silent.
O LORD my God, I will give you thanks forever.

Footnotes:
b.Psalm 30:3 Hebrew Sheol
c.Psalm 30:7 Or hill country
d.Psalm 30:9 Or there if I am silenced

I mean, yeah, it’s a little longer than 130′s eight verses, but four more ain’t no big thang. And did you read it? Or did you just skim it or skip down to this paragraph? ‘Cause you should really read it. Seriously. I’ll wait.

JUBILATION! Exactly what I want to pray when everything’s going aright at work – Praise be! Look at what the Lord has done! Thank you for hearing my prayer! You, Lord, are too cool for school! You rescued me! – plus, BONUS: two famous verses in this psalm. I am just learning constantly and love it, Lord! Psalm 30:5b “weeping may remain for a night, but rejoicing comes in the morning.” True, that. and verse 11′s “You turned my wailing into dancing; you removed my sackcloth and clothed me with joy” – amen to that! Ok, I am beginning to see why some people really dig Psalms. I mean, this is all very new to me. I’ve always glossed over Psalms because I was all like, who wants to read old tuneless hymn texts from ancient temple days? How useful is that, really? But at the same time I was all, except everyone seems to be really into them – I must not be getting something here. Oh, ignorance! How blinding you are! So yeah, I’ve discovered the draw of Psalms, and I’m thinking we’re starting on a lifelong relationship here, me and that book. Cool.

O LORD my God, I will give you thanks forever.

Wow. What a wonderful evening I had last night.

I tell you what, I have been on the go for the last 11 (consecutive) days. I don’t know if its that time of the year or if that’s life. I’m still getting used to the whole ‘adult’ thing, so I don’t have a frame of reference except the rest of my life that proceeded these days, and judging from that it’s more of a Lauren thing. People just make my life complete. I’d 10,000x rather be out and about, running myself ragged seeing people, doing things with them or for them than be at home. I get nearly suicidal when I haven’t seen people for a while or have only the weight of errands and daily responsibilities on me. When that happens I don’t leave the house and lay on the couch watching tv and movies – very sad. So instead, I wear myself to the bone taking on new responsibilities and visiting people.

I feel borderline out of my head crazy right now with all the new things I’m doing simultaneously – a new group for Lutheran Young Adults, audit committee at church, new member and tweeter for the synod’s Hunger Mission Force, plus everything I ever promised my family and friends, PLUS bills and various other real-person obligations. Stop the world, I want to get off!

No, no, I’m just kidding. But sometimes it does feel like I’m holding on to a very thick rope just bigger than the circumference of my hands’ grip and when I look at it, I can see it’s fraying in an alarming way at varying rates – like a cartoon – SNAP SNAP BOIIIING! So that was the last 11 days – run run run – go go go – spend spend – do do! And then last night was just wonderful. I went home after work (something I haven’t done in a while). Made myself dinner (when was the last time I did that?). Watched part of a movie I know, Cash Cab, and Mike Rowe while I ate – all very relaxing. Then I went over to my mom’s for an hour and a half, catching her up on some new bits in my life and hearing about her’s.

Then I went home singing loud with the sunroof open and the windows down during a beautiful twilight – clouds all over and in different patterns with fascinating streaks of color from the dying day, and a nice big old moon. Then I got home and got to share time with my roommate – yay! Felt super classy while I fixed myself a scotch and water nightcap on the rocks, and then jammed with her on our instruments (guitar and ukulele). I’m so glad she has a tuner. I can’t find mine and I am still timid at tuning the uke. So yeah, wonderful evening yesterday. Even better, I feel ready to attack the dusty, paper-filled den I call my bedroom this evening, so how could anything ever go wrong, ever?

I am so humiliated! embarrassed! distressed! It’s in moments like these that I realize how much I paid attention in elementary school, and took the lessons taught me to heart. Today I fought back tears, at least thrice, at the dentist.

“The dentist?!?” I hear you ask – “why at the dentist?” asks those without dental phobias, “oh yes, of course, the dentist!” those with them say; but truly I like going to the dentist. I like seeing doctors, and I like being in control of my health while having multiple people puzzling over it and helping me out. I suppose I enjoy being made much of, but really it’s because I often don’t know what’s wrong with me and it’s only now, in my twenties we (me and my doctors) are starting to figure me out.

But anyways, the dentist. and elementary school. What was so traumatic I was using breathing techniques to keep me from crying? It was…a cavity. Yes, and only a technical cavity, since it had just extended into a specific layer of my tooth and so it was necessary to fill it.

Oh the anguish and agony of my soul! I have NEVER had a cavity. NEVER had a filling. NEVER had ANY kind of work done in my mouth, other than middle and high school orthodontics. NEVER have I experienced novocaine. How I bitterly regretted my ridiculous habit formed in college of not brushing my teeth at night when I am ‘too tired.’ “Too tired now?” I raged against myself. Well, yes. My jaw is tired, my lips are dried, and I can’t feel HALF OF MY FACE. But there was little rage in the room with the hygenist, me, and my dentist. No, there was only silent regret and shame. In elementary school they as well as told us if we got cavities it was our fault. How horrific that I have so fallen!

I have heard that pride comes before a fall. Knowing that dental weakness is a strong trait in my genetic line, I still flaunted it with said ‘too tired’ game. Prideful was I in thoughts centering around others’ dentist visits and accompanying cavities and work. “Tsk tsk,” I’d tease them, pretending to have better hygenic habits than they (despite neglecting to visit the dentist throughout college) and secretly enjoying the superiority of my own chompers. “Ha Ha! I have NEVER had work done.” As I said: pride…fall. Lauren, you have a filling in your head now. Your body has been invaded by permanent, foreign, man-made objects. What disgrace. And consequently, tears.

I am now more determined than ever to maintain my now salvaged dental health. Floss! Brush! Listerine! Flouride! Retainer! Yes I do still wear my retainer, you got a problem with that?

Of course I’m didn’t really cry, but I sure was close.

Sometimes I get so sad, missing 105.7 WQSR. It was the soundtrack of my childhood – my mom and I listened to it while cleaning the house, or doing errands in the car before I was school-age, and every morning it was my alarm and companion while getting ready for middle school; my bus drivers listened to it in the morning, and I fell asleep to it every night. On Memorial Day weekend there was a massive countdown, which we had the playlist for, because it came in the mail! Oh and every morning there was a Fooouuurrrr Tops! song. For goodness’ sake, my first CD was Bill Haley and the Comets because I loved “Rock around the Clock” and “See You Later Alligator” so much!

The wonderful personalites’ voices are engraved in my memory, and I’m pretty sure that my love for music stems directly from WQSR’s influence. I’m always shopping Goodwills for records, reading liner notes on classic albums, or researching some odd group – I’m on fire for music.

I realize it went off the air back in ’05, but I still REALLY miss it. I want so badly to know how I could find out their song library. I feel like my life would be more settled and complete if I did. I have tried to get as many oldies as I can to make up for this, but really just getting the top 100 of each year doesn’t do it – WQSR played way better songs than those on the nation’s charts (I like to imagine they were especial Baltimorean favorites) that I just can’t remember or find. And don’t tell me to switch to satellite radio – I’ve tried, but they just don’t play the same songs, or they play the same songs over and over! Ugh. Needless to say, I’m frustrated. If anyone can commiserate or ever has any information on this piece of Baltimore or Maryland history, I would love to know it. Please email me!

I get so mad when I hear “Classic Rock” stations replacing oldies, and then when I give in and listen to the classic rock (because its the only place I can find late 60s and 70s) they go and cut out the 60s and majority 70s! Come on now people – while R.E.M. and U2 are good, they ARE NOT that old. I do NOT want to hear songs from the year I was born (aka Springsteen’s Glory Days and thereafter.

Not to mention my strong yearning to live in that era. Oh, if I could only have grown up then. The only downside would be being a girl, but what wouldn’t I give to have been sock hopping, hanging out in diners, jamming to motown in my bedroom (except that I did it anyways), getting an El Camino or a Vista Cruiser, and then going down south on freedom rides? You know I’d be all over those freedom rides!!! I’d give a lot to live on that edge of time, right where the 50s merged into the 60s. A lot.